Single Ever After
Author: Umm Umaama
“The grass is no more greener on the other side” married women
often tell their single sisters. Whilst women will forever debate the
pros and cons of married life, one thing is clear; although marriage is
not all a happily ever after fairytale, there is nothing desirable about
prolonged singlehood. Allah designed us to need the companionship and
comfort that can only be found in marriage, describing husbands and
wives as garments for one another. [1]
Many
young people aspire to get a degree and a job, get married and have
children. They may experience obstacles along the way, and maybe all
their priorities were wrong, but our generation could not have foreseen
what would happen after the degrees were secured and the job-interviews
were over. No doubt, most people followed up their successful careers
with successful marriages, but a significant (largely increasing)
minority, are wrestling with the fact that life didn’t work out quite
like they planned.
The reasons for a
prolonged singlehood are complex; everything from having a successful
career and being overweight, to a shortage of practicing brothers. Just
as the cause is difficult to identify, the solution is equally elusive.
Nevertheless, it is high-time our community woke up to the realization
that prolonged singlehood is not just affecting their daughters or a few
so-called ineligible women. The tide has turned, and the struggle
facing practicing Muslim women has reached nearly every home (with few
exceptions). There is no doubt that an increasing number of Muslims and a
disproportionate number of women are finding themselves single well
into their 20s and even 30s.
There is
a growing concern about our young sisters, in particular, and the
effect that delaying marriage is having on their lives. Much has been
made of the so-called “boomerang generation” (people who have returned
home to live with their parents, after having lived elsewhere); how
their struggle with housing and living costs have forced them to move
back in with mum and dad. Recent research by Mintel shows that 3 million
adults have moved back in with their parents. [2] Muslim
couples are no exception in having strong opinions on living with
in-laws. However, the psychological impact of Muslim women living at
home well beyond adolescence is largely ignored. They may have all the
trappings of adulthood; a car, a job, and money in the bank, but they
are still living in the same room they grew up in. Unable to get
married, they have long outgrown their family home, but remain within
its four-walls under the care and authority of their parents for longer
than ever before. This can inevitably lead to much frustration and
tension as the lines between childhood and adulthood merge, which can
culminate in some women regrettably deciding to, or being forced to,
leave home and set-up on their own.
Our increasingly immoral society has had a devastating impact on Muslim men,[3] but
what of the impact on our women? The decade or two between adolescence
and marriage can be the loneliest time for women who cannot marry.
Modesty in a practicing woman is something assumed. Yet the outer
strength of our most practicing sisters masks an inner struggle to lower
the gaze, control the nafs, and to avoid the company of the non-mahram
men. And, in a world where nothing is as pure as it once was, many of
our sisters are falling into sins that marriage at earlier age could
have prevented. The challenges of staying chaste are further compounded
for women who do not have the security of a family-home environment.
As
these women edge towards their late 20s, loneliness can become coupled
with an increasing desire to have their own children. Whilst their
friends may already be adding to their happy brood, they are still
struggling through a cycle of proposals and marriage meetings. These
concerns are heightened in women in their 30s, who may start to question
whether they will ever marry and start a family. A women’s fertility
declines more quickly with age than a man’s – declining rapidly after
the age of 35. [4]
Women
should remember, however, that although time might not be on their side,
Allah in His Mercy will bestow children on whomever He wills. Zakariyya
was an old man, with a head full of gray hair, and his wife was barren.
Yet he supplicated,
{رَبِّ هَبْ لِي مِن لَّدُنكَ ذُرِّيَّةً طَيِّبَةً ۖ إِنَّكَ سَمِيعُ الدُّعَاءِ} آل عمران: 38
{O my Lord! Grant me from You, a good offspring. You are indeed the All-Hearer of invocation.} [Al-’Imran 3:38]
Little
is said about the role of a single (or childless) Muslim woman in
society, despite the fact that the wife of our beloved Prophet (prayers
and peace of Allah be upon him), A’ishah (may Allah be pleased with
her), was left childless and single upon his death at just 18 years old.
And yet, we have a plethora of articles, lectures and advice from
scholars on how to be a good wife and mother. Isn’t it time to redress
the balance? Whilst other women get busy raising their families, what
should single women dedicate their lives to? Many women follow up their
degrees with further qualifications, and then their qualifications with
one job after another. Although the rewards in the corporeal world are
clear, what of the rewards in the hereafter? We were not created to be
wives and mothers, yet great rewards are attached to these roles which
cannot be comparable to a degree and a good job. No doubt, Allah does
not place a burden on anyone greater than they can bear, and every
person shall have that which they intended – but we need far greater
clarity on the role of single Muslim women in society.
The
greatest blessing for any person, if they have the opportunity, is to
serve their parents when they reach old-age. The reward of this cannot
be underestimated.
Abu Huraira reported Allah’s Messenger (prayers and peace of Allah be upon him) as saying,
«رغم
أنفه، ثم رغم أنفه، ثم رغم أنفه. قيل: من يا رسول الله؟! قال: من أدرك
والديه عند الكبر، أحدهما أو كليهما، ثم لم يدخل الجنة» رواه مسلم
“Let
him be humbled into dust, Let him be humbled into dust, let him be
humbled into dust. It was said: ‘Allah’s Messenger, who is he?’ He said:
He who sees either of his parents during their old age or he sees both
of them but does not enter Paradise.” [Sahih Muslim 032:6189]
If
a person was to dedicate their entire life to taking care of their
parents, they would have gained a great reward in the hereafter. Yet,
there has never been, even within our own community, a role for women to
simply be great daughters without letters after her name, and a
well-sounding job title, society would never be satisfied, and even
parents themselves could not be content. After all, the often-asked
question, “Are you married?” is swiftly followed by, “What do you do?”
We
should not simply assign single women to roles which their married
counter-parts have become too busy to fulfill, in family life, Da’wah,
the work place etc., without a greater understanding of the rewards in
the hereafter. As their siblings and peers will leave a legacy of
children who will do good deeds, and make du’a for them, single women
should be equally greedy for a noble legacy that lives on beyond the
grave.
This life is a test, and
whilst some people are tested in their marriages, others are tested with
the absence of them. We must remember that ultimately it is for Allah
to decide how or with whom we should spend the rest of our lives. It is
not for us to question the Decree of Allāh but rather strive to find the
benefit of the du’a that has a delayed response, and allow it to be a
means for us to turn back to Him.
«كان
النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم إذا قام من الليل يتهجد قال: (اللهم لك الحمد،
أنت نور السموات والأرض ومن فيهن، ولك الحمد، أنت قيم السموات والأرض ومن
فيهن، ولك الحمد، أنت الحق، ووعدك حق، وقولك حق، ولقاؤك حق، والجنة حق،
والنار حق، والساعة حق، والنبيون حق، ومحمد حق، اللهم لك أسلمت، وعليك
توكلت، وبك آمنت، وإليك أنبت، وبك خاصمت، وإليك حاكمت، فاغفر لي ما قدمت
وما أخرت، وما أسررت وما أعلنت، أنت المقدم وأنت المؤخر، لا إله إلا أنت،
أو: لا إله غيرك)، وفي روايه زاد: ولا حول ولا قوة إلا بالله»رواه البخاري
The Prophet (prayers and peace of Allah be upon him) used to say in the night prayer: “O
Allaah, to You be praise, You are the Light of the heavens and the
earth and everyone in them. To you be praise, You are the Sustainer of
the heavens and the earth and everyone in them. To you be praise, You
are the Sovereign of the heavens and the earth and everyone in them. To
you be praise, You are the truth, Your promise is true, Your words are
true, the meeting with you is true, Paradise is true, Hell is true, the
Hour is true, the prophets are true, Muhammad is true. O Allāh to you I
have submitted, in You I put my trust, in you I have believed, to you I
have repented, with Your help and guidance I have debated, and to You I
turn for judgment. Forgive me for my past and future sins, for those I
have committed secretly and those I have committed openly, for whatever
You know more about than I. You are the One who brings forward and the
One who puts back (Al Mu’akhhir), You are my God, there is no deity
(worthy of worship) but You, and there is no power and no strength except with you.” [Sahih Bukhari 21:221]
Married
couples, community leaders and scholars must also rise up to the
challenge that is facing our community. We can no longer rely on
word-of-mouth and family connections to facilitate the marriages of our youth.
We have to move away from polite dinner-party conversations and
friendly teasing, and realize that delays in marriage have serious
consequences. Finally, we must acknowledge that sincere du’a must be
accompanied by serious action. Buried beneath every test our sisters are
enduring is the communal obligation to distance ourselves from
accountability on the day of Judgment, and an individual opportunity to
rise up and gain the pleasure of Allah.
[1] Al-Baqarah [2:187]
[2] http://www.mintel.com/blog/boomerang…g-back-parents
[3] http://muslimmatters.org/2007/08/19/…-stories-tips/
[4] http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Fertility…fertility.aspx
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